Breaking Amanda
by anotherchance100
Summary: *!Major trigger warning!* Amanda and Olivia finish up a case in Atlanta, when something terrible happens to Amanda. Will she let someone help her? Or will she completely lose herself? VERY dark themes! You've been warned.
1. Chapter 1

**Atlanta, Georgia 8:44PM**

It had been a long day for the whole squad. Fin and Amaro still stationed in Manhattan working the case from afar, while Rollins and Olivia had been urgently sent to Georgia to follow a strong lead in the case they were working of multiple teenagers being attacked while walking to and from school. Somehow the perp managed to get from New York to Georgia in a matter of hours. Luckily they had alerted all other precincts across the country due to the brutality of the assaults, which led to Atlanta Police Department alerting Manhattan SVU about the identical MO of their most recent attack on a young girl, which ultimately led to Olivia and Rollins shipping off to Atlanta on the first available plane.

Olivia and Amanda walked down the hall of the hotel they had chosen to stay at, neither of them saying a word, disgusted from the day's events. This job never got any easier, no matter how long or how many stories you heard. It continually got harder and harder to deal and cope with.

"Goodnight, take care of yourself," Olivia said to Amanda, as they stepped off the elevator and headed opposite directions down each hall. Atlanta had a convention for information technology going on, so the hotel was booked up and they could not get adjoining rooms.

Amanda smiled back at Olivia, pain evident in her eyes. It had been a long case and Olivia knew Georgia was not one of her favorite places to be. She felt bad dragging her along here, but she knew how deep into this case Amanda was, and how that would make her be able to connect and identify with the victims more. And it worked. The victim had opened up to Amanda, agreed to the rape kit, gave her statement and even had identified the perp in a lineup. They got him. The victory, however, didn't feel so big to Amanda after listening to multiple young girls accounts and experiences dealing with this criminal. _If only she had got to him sooner._

Amanda walked to her room down the shady hallway. You could hear people laughing and talking in the far distant behind closed doors. If they only knew, Amanda thought to herself. She needed to get to her room, have a drink and unwind. Oh, how she would love to go to the casino right now. Her old stomping grounds. But, no – she simply couldn't and wouldn't.

She put the key card into the door and entered a dark, quiet room. _Finally_ , she thought. She searched for the lights on the wall as she let her bag slip off her shoulder onto the floor.

That's when she heard the chuckle and the presence of somebody moving up against her. She searched for the lights frantically. "Who's there?"

 _It was too late._

She tried to reach for her gun but he grabbed her arms and twisted them behind her back, taping them together. She let out a moan, and struggled to get whoever this person was away from her. To no avail, he overpowered her as she fell to the floor, no arms to break her fall. A small light flicked on, and it lit up the room just enough to see his face. _How could she have been so stupid?_

The man, tall with dark hair, stood over her. Face grinning. He reached to the back of his pants and pulled out a gun and pointed it down at her.

"Don't make a sound, Amanda," he said, with the gun fixed on her.

 _Sam Reynolds. Captain Sam Reynolds._

Amanda's thoughts raced - how was she going to get away from him? A gun?

 _First Patton, now Reynolds._

He kneeled down to her level, caressing her jaw line, and then tipping her chin up so she looked straight into his eyes.

"I don't like a fight," he said, as he raised the gun and bashed it against her head.

Everything went dark.

…

The pain in her head coursed through her whole body, god – what had happened? She couldn't find the strength to open her eyes, her body felt like it was on a rollercoaster. She felt like she was suffocating. The pain spread through her body like wildfire. That's when she remembered Sam's face. She struggled to open her eyes, to become more aware of her surroundings. That's when she heard the grunting, the moaning. She felt sick to her stomach. She started to feel the assault on her body as she came too. She opened her eyes to find him on top of her, naked. Goosebumps and shivers went through her whole body. _Not again_. She prayed Olivia would come knock on the door, or anyone for that matter. She opened her mouth to scream, but no sound came out. Stomach bile rose in her throat.

Sam noticed her eyes open, which was evident. And with that, he reached to the side, grabbing the gun, and knocked her out again with the butt of his gun. Just like that, it all slipped away, _again_. _Maybe it was for the best._

…

The world came flooding back to her. Sounds, smells. Something was beeping. The alarm clock. _Shit._

She moved her hand to her head, which was throbbing. That's when she realized her hands were bound free. Her eyes rushed open, to find nobody else in the room. Nobody on top of her. She was alone. He was gone.

She moved to sit up and the pain in her body made her curse. _God, what happened?_ She knew all too well, from her brief moment of consciousness. She looked down to find herself naked, bruises starting to form along her arms and thighs. _She couldn't do this again. No_.

7:30AM the clock read. She pushed herself to the side of the bed gently, but didn't avoid the pain that plagued her body. She quickly found her pants, belt attached with gun and holster. Thank God he hadn't taken her weapon. She picked it up and quickly checked the bathroom and closet. No sign of Sam. She locked the door and slid down against it. The sobs racked her body, physically shaking her. _She couldn't do this, fall apart, again. Nobody could know. Not again, not after last time when everything went down with Patton. They would look at her like she was nothing, weak, irrelevant. Probably because she was_.

She pushed herself up off the hotel floor, and walked towards the shower. She turned it on as hot as it could go and stepped inside. Washing away any evidence left behind, and the remainder of her pride. Little bits of blood went down the drain, she didn't even know where it had come from, and frankly, she didn't really care anymore.

She got out of the shower, as the water ran cold. Dried her hair, applied make up and pulled her hair over the slightly visible bruise on her forehead. God, I hope nobody notices. Her phone rang, which made her jump. She found it in her jacket pocket, which was thrown across the floor. It made her cringe.

Her phone lit up, 'OLIVIA'. Oh god. _Act normal_.

"Hey," Amanda answered quickly, voice barely shaking.

"I'm heading down for breakfast – you coming? We're going to have to leave in less than an hour, flight is booked."

"I should actually finish packing," Amanda said, food was the last thing she wanted right now. The thought of it actually made her want to puke.

"Ok, meet you in the lobby in a half hour?"

Olivia sounded so confident, so calm. Jealousy grew inside of Amanda.

"Yeah."

Amanda rushed to get ready, hide any evidence of her injuries, both physical and mental. She stood in front of the mirror, prepping herself, trying to stop shaking and to act like she normally did. She grabbed her suitcase, and pulled it down the hallway to the elevator.

The elevator opened with a loud ding, which made Amanda almost jump out of her own skin. She stepped out, suitcase in tow. She searched for Olivia in the lobby, and also Sam's. She met Olivia's eyes. She wanted to cry, tell her everything. _Suck it up_ , she thought. _Not her problem. Yours._

"You ready?" Olivia asked her, as she got closer.

"I've never been more ready," Amanda said, regretting it as it slipped out of her mouth.

"Are you okay? You look tired," Olivia asked as she turned to look at the younger detective, as they both walked out the hotel doors.

Olivia hailed a cab.

"Yeah, just one of those nights," Amanda smiled. She wanted so badly to tell Olivia. She could feel tears welling up in her eyes; she looked up and tried to blink them away.

Olivia watched her younger detective, something was off. Very off. She passed it off as being in Georgia, no less, Atlanta, where that bastard had hurt her before. She wished Amanda would open up to her, talk to her, anything. But it never did happen, and probably never would.

They both got inside the cab, in the back seat, as they drove off towards the airport. It was a short drive. It had started down pouring with rain on the way there, so typical for Georgia.

Finally they got to the airport.

Olivia got out of the car and Amanda slightly struggled to get out, the pain evident in her face, which did not go unnoticed by Olivia.

It would only be a matter of hours before Amanda would be back home in her own apartment, and she could finally break down.


	2. Chapter 2

_No reviews yet = not very hopeful._ _Please review (if you want me to keep going!)._

 _Also! Anything you would like me to try and incorporate/work in. I would be happy to consider. I'm kind of lost as to where to go, to be honest._

* * *

They had finally returned to New York, parting different ways at the airport to go home and get some rest before the next day of work.

It had broken Amanda – Olivia not noticing anything, she hoped to god she would notice, but she didn't. Which ultimately left this all up to Amanda to deal with. _Could she do this?_

Amanda walked down the hall of her apartment building, struggling to keep her emotions in check until she had got in through the door and locked it.

She reached for her keys and unlocked the door, hand on her holster. She was relieved to be greeted with an empty, quiet apartment. She left her suitcase in the porch and went to the couch and quickly sat down. The pain spread through her, again, forgetting about her injuries as she sat down all too fast.

"Fuck!" she yelled to the empty apartment walls. "Why me? Why me, again? What did I do to deserve this?"

Her mind flashed back to memories of gambling, the situation with Declan. God, she had let everyone down – again. Pathetic.

She stood up and walked to the bathroom. She leaned closely to the mirror, examining her face. She swiped her blond hair aside revealing a darkening bruise, in the shape of the butt of a gun. Someone is going to find out. _I hope so._ She mentally cursed herself, why was she so needy? She could do this by herself, just like last time.

She stripped off her clothes and climbed into the shower for what seemed like forever. Once again, the water ran cold. This time she didn't leave, she let her body shake under the ice cold water. Lips trembling, eyes barely able to continue crying. She was out of energy, out of life. It felt like the end.

She turned off the water and sat on the edge of the tub. Shaking, trembling, crawling out of her skin at the thought of his hands touching her.

 _Someone please help me._

At that thought, which was sharply cut off, her phone began to buzz and ring from the next room.

She quickly grabbed the towel from the floor, as pain shot through her, wrapping herself with it and walked to the next room rummaging through her bag to find her phone.

Olivia.

 _Fuck._

"Hey Liv," Amanda greeted her. Her voice visibly shaking, probably from the freezing cold shower, and probably from the terror.

"Amanda, sorry to bother you." Olivia could hear in Amanda's voice something was wrong. "Hey, are you okay? You don't sound too good," concern flooded Olivia's voice.

Amanda's heart felt like it was shredding, she felt the tears streaming down her face. _Oh god, oh god, oh god. Don't tell her._

Olivia heard the sobs on the other end of the phone and began to grow even more concerned. She had noticed something off, she hadn't said anything really though. Amanda wasn't one to open up, and this – her crying on the other end of the phone, was huge. The reason Olivia had called was because they had caught yet another grueling case. She had been in such a rush that she had driven right to Amanda's apartment before even calling her. She was right outside her building. "Amanda, I'm coming up. Unlock the door."

Olivia stepped outside of the car, locking it. Running up the apartment buildings stairs, past the elevator, to the stairwell.

It had barely registered with Amanda. The emotion had completely taken over. She somehow managed to stumble to the door to unlock it, still clutching her towel close to her body. Revealing all the bruises and trauma to her body. Olivia was coming, Olivia was coming. _God, you're so stupid. She's going to think you're pathetic, weak – to let this happen again? Seriously, Amanda!_

Olivia knocked on the door before entering; she slowly opened the door to her colleague's apartment. What she saw… physically broke Olivia, as well. The young detective sitting on the couch, a white towel wrapped around her pale and battered skin. Bruises aligned her thighs and up her arms, and a nasty purplish-blue bruise painted across her upper forehead.

The anger boiled in Olivia – who the fuck had done this? Patton?

Without thinking, Olivia blurted out, "Who?"

Amanda hadn't even noticed Olivia enter her apartment; all she could hear was her own sobs, and the pounding in her head. She made quick eye contact with Olivia. Mentally trying to gather herself, pull herself back together. The crying slowed down. She choked a little on her own tears, wiping her face while keeping the towel tight to her body.

Amanda didn't say anything.

Olivia moved closer to the young detective, fearful to scare her. She had never felt this way around Amanda before – usually she was so strong. She needed to find out what happened and get this bastard.

"Amanda…" Olivia started, reaching her hand to the young detective.

"I can't," Amanda choked out, not able to look at Olivia.

"Please, it's okay. It's just me. Just me and you."

Amanda's eyes drifted up to meet Olivia's. The concern in Olivia's face was evident and it physically broke Amanda.

A few tears slipped down Amanda's face and she quickly wiped them away.

"I'm sorry," Amanda started.

"Sorry?" Olivia paused, "sorry for what?"

"Dragging you up here, letting you down, being a coward." Amanda looked away, blinking hard letting hot tears roll down her face over her ice cold skin.

"Listen to me Amanda," Olivia said, moving closer to the younger woman, "you did not let me down. You did not do anything wrong, whatever happened – was not your fault! Nobody deserves this," she ended as she pointed to the bruises aligning Amanda's small frame.

"I always thought things would have to get better after the trial with Patton. And then… just like that, it happens again."

"What?" Olivia said, rolling over Amanda's words in her head, "Patton did this to you?"

"No, it wasn't Patton."

"Can you tell me who?" Olivia prodded.

"No."

"Can you tell me what happened, then? We don't have to talk about who or how.. or where.." Olivia said, trying to get her to offer up any bit of information, anything Olivia could go on.

"He just knocked me around a bit. Hit me, pushed me, y'know – nothing I haven't experienced before," Amanda said, forcing a smile over her face to try and prove she was 'o.k.'.

Olivia didn't believe that was all. She had seen the bruises that aligned her thighs before, in rape victims. She didn't want to press her, but knew she needed too. When had this happened? She had clearly showered, washing away all evidence. Amanda knew better, or at least she thought she did.

"And?" Olivia replied, trying to get her to tell her the whole truth. She looked down at the bruises, trying to give the hint to Amanda that she knew.

Amanda watched Olivia's eyes trace the bruises on her thighs, as she tugged the towel down enough to cover most of them. _Olivia knew. That was it, it was over – she was done. She could never go back to face SVU after this, if everyone found out. She had to get Olivia to keep it to herself._

"Please don't tell the guys…" Amanda sniffled, trying to hold back tears. But it was no use; she choked back the sob stuck in her throat and broke down in front of the older, stronger detective. Her Sargent.

Olivia put her hand on Amanda's knee, trying to offer some comfort but Amanda flinched away at the touch.


	3. Chapter 3

*****Major trigger warning for DARK themes in this chapter: sexual assault, self harm, suicidal ideation*****

* * *

Olivia and Amanda had sat in silence for what seemed like hours, but in reality, it was only about ten minutes. Amanda had finally begun to calm down. The tears not flowing so forcefully, her body not shaking so violently. Amanda couldn't make eye contact with Olivia; she was so ashamed – so embarrassed. She mentally cursed herself over and over, silently punishing herself.

"So," Olivia started in, leaning closer to Amanda having taken a seat next to her on the couch. Olivia sighed when she seen Amanda look even further away from her as she started talking. How was she going to get through to her? "You know you can talk to me, Amanda. And I won't let whatever you say leave this room, if that's what you want. I came here as your Sargent, but now I'm here as your friend. I want to help. What can I do?"

Olivia's words were laced with sympathy and pity; Amanda could hear it in her voice. It almost made her a bit mad; she didn't want to be treated this way. Yes, she had wanted help, but not pity!

"I don't know what to say," Amanda said, moving her eyes around the room, anywhere but to meet Olivia's.

"How about we start with when and where this happened?" Olivia needed all the details she could get. She wanted to nail this bastard to a wall.

"Atlanta," Amanda sighed, "in the hotel. Last night."

"What?"

Amanda met Olivia's eyes and just nodded, biting down on her lip.

Olivia put her head between her hands and let out a soft, inaudible 'fuck' under her breath. God, she had been there! Just down the hall. She could have stopped this. She suddenly felt a lot more responsible for this, which shamed her but also made her want to press Amanda harder for details.

"Who was it, Amanda? Do you know who it was? How did he get in your room?"

Amanda didn't know if she should say anything, but she kind of owed it to Liv. After everything they had been through, that she had been through with Lewis, just everything. "I don't want to press charges," Amanda wanted to make this clear; she was not going after him. It was over – it was done. "It was Sam. Sam Reynolds. My old captain. When I walked into my room that night, he was there. I didn't even see him at first, it was dark y'know? And then…"

Olivia wanted to kill him. She had met him now a couple of times and she always pegged him as a good guy. I guess her gut feelings weren't to trust. God, what had he done?

"Go on, Amanda. I'm listening," Olivia tried to get her to keep going. Trying to keep her opening up.

"I can't remember anything really… honestly."

Olivia sighed. Why wouldn't Amanda just let her in? Let her help?

"He knocked me out. He said he didn't want a fight."

Olivia was boiling. "Is that how you got that bruise on your forehead?"

"Um – yeah, the butt of a gun." Amanda said, looking away.

"He had his gun?"

"Yeah. The next thing I know – my head is throbbing, and he's holding me down…"

Olivia could connect the dots. "What was he doing?" She needed Amanda to admit it, it was the only way she could help her and it was the only way Amanda could begin to help herself. Secrets will eat you alive. Olivia knew that better than anyone, she felt.

"He knocked me out again, once he seen me awake. Next time I came to, he was gone."

Olivia moved to put her arms around the frail woman. Amanda let out a soft sob but quickly composed herself.

 _The numbness had overtaken me once again. I am barely alive. I need to come alive._

"Look, Liv," Amanda said, pulling away from her colleague, "do you mind if I take the day? I just need some alone time, to figure out what I want to do." Amanda knew this would convince Olivia to give her some time, and that would give her the opportunity to do what she needed so badly to do right now.

"Amanda, take as much time as you need. When you're ready to talk more, or if you just need company – literally, anything, you call me. Okay?"

Olivia gave her the smile she gives all victims before she leaves them to their demons. Amanda's stomach flip flopped. In a way she didn't want Olivia to leave, but she knew if she was going to deal with this the way **she** wanted to, Olivia could not witness that.

"Thanks, Liv." Amanda gave her a genuine smile.

Olivia started her way toward the door, grabbing her keys and phone. "Lock up," she instructed Amanda.

"For sure."

….

4 HOURS LATER

Amanda had polished off a full bottle of vodka. She stumbled back to the couch, cursing as she found the bottle empty. No more liquor. The pain had left her body and the alcohol had invaded her. She plucked a cigarette out of the almost empty package and lit it up. She could feel consciousness leaving her, the alcohol taking over. Everything started to get darker and darker. Just like when Sam had hit her with the butt of his gun. She started to panic. This wasn't supposed to happen! The alcohol always makes the memories leave. What was wrong with her?

Amanda had been a girl of many bad habits. It started with self-injury when she was just barely a teenager, then to alcohol, and finally gambling. The gambling had almost ended her life. Everything else was still very in her control, her dirty little secret.

She put out her cigarette in the ashtray, being drawn out of her thoughts. She stood up, the room was swaying and the edges of her vision black. She headed towards her bathroom; opening the medicine cabinet and finding the one thing she hid so well from everybody in her life – a razorblade.

She sat on the edge of the tub. Her thoughts rolled over in her head. _Was this ever going to end? This self-destructive path she was on? It had been going on forever. There was no end in sight. Maybe, she should just end it…_ Her thoughts grew darker and darker. Flashbacks flooded her. _Did she have the guts to do it? The courage? Was she in too deep?_ Her thoughts went to Olivia. _God, she would blame herself for this. Maybe she could call her, ask her to save her. Pathetic. Amanda, you are pathetic._

She picked up the blade and slid it across her inner wrist four or five times until there was a pool of blood forming on her arm, slowly dripping to the floor. Euphoria flooded her; relief. She knew it wouldn't kill her, but it would do for now. She could feel herself slipping away, between the full bottle of vodka she had drank in a matter of hours and the blood draining from her open wounds.

 _Please save me._

 _I can't do this on my own._


	4. Chapter 4

***trigger**trigger**trigger***  
 **Please REVIEW. Thank you to everyone that has! :)**

* * *

Amanda's body shivered against the cold bathroom floor. How did she end up here? The memories flooded back – the assault, Olivia visiting, the liquor and finally the cutting. She struggled to open her eyes and find her surroundings. At the sudden movement, her stomach urged and she found herself quickly crawling ahead towards the toilet to expel her stomach contents. Bile and liquor. This was an all too familiar feeling – usually after a night of fun though. Last night was a night of forgetting, covering up and burying what had happened. She wiped her mouth, flushed the toilet and used the bathroom counter to help her frail body off the floor. God, she was falling apart. Her thoughts sprung to Olivia; surprisingly, she hadn't checked in. She made her way towards her bedroom, getting dressed – covering all bruises, cuts and past scars. She struggled to get dressed but managed to do it just fine. She was always 'just fine'.

Her phone rang from the next room and she followed it's sound to the coffee table. She didn't make it in time to pick it up. The screen lit up, '4 MISSED CALLS'. She cursed herself; she must have been passed out cold. They were all from Olivia. Butterflies filled her stomach, almost bringing her to her knees. She had to call her back or she was going to end up here, she knew Olivia, and she did **not** want Olivia to see her like this.

She clicked on Olivia's name to return her calls, and before it even began to ring, there was a knock on her door.

 _Fuck._

She tried to straighten out her clothes – a loose sweatshirt and jeans, brushing her fingers through her matted hair, and rubbing her fingers under her eyes.

"Coming!" She shouted almost cheerfully.

She opened the door and was face-to-face with Olivia.

Olivia stood there, reading Amanda's body, and finally stepped through the door.

Amanda hadn't had time to hide the empty liquor bottle that was on the kitchen counter and the ashtray on the coffee table. _Bad habits,_ she thought, _bad habits._

"Busy night?" Olivia asked, signaling towards the empty bottle.

"Uh – yeah," Amanda smirked, trying to laugh it off.

"That's not going to make things better, y'know," Olivia said. She picked up the bottle and threw it in the garbage bin in the corner.

"I know, I just needed to –"

"Forget," Olivia said, sitting down on the couch. "I know."

Amanda picked up the package of cigarettes and the ashtray and brought it to the kitchen, putting it in one of the cupboards. She came back to sit next to Olivia.

"I didn't know you smoked," Olivia said. There seemed to be a lot Amanda hid from her – from everyone.

"Only when I'm stressed," Amanda snapped back quickly.

"Ah." Olivia nodded. "I called three or four times."

Amanda felt like her boss was interrogating her. _What the fuck?_

"Yeah, I was asleep."

"It's okay, I was just worried. I wanted to make sure you were okay."

Amanda's stomach sunk. She felt bad now, for worrying her boss, for once again letting her down. _Idiot._

"I'm sorry." Amanda bit down on her lip, so hard she could sense the metallic-taste of her own blood.

"So did you think about what you want to do?"

Truthfully, it hadn't even crossed her mind. But she knew what she had to do. "No, I don't want to press charges or anything. I just want to move on." _I want to forget. Drown the truth with liquor. So much liquor my whole body shuts down one organ at a time, finally giving me what I deserve_.

Olivia watched Amanda as she faded right before her eyes. She was there, physically, but mentally – she wasn't in that room anymore. She recognized this from the people she had worked with – victims, and unfortunately, herself. Sometimes slipping away from reality was all that you could do to escape the torturous emotions that would flood your body, fill you with hate and misery.

"Amanda?" Olivia asked, moving across the room to kneel in front of the younger lady.

 _I want to die. I need to die. I will die._

"AMANDA?" Olivia spoke much more loudly, putting a hand on her knee.

Amanda flinched and like that, was torn from her dark thoughts and back into the even darker reality of her life.

"I – sorry, Liv," Amanda said, looking away. Shame filled her.

"Are you okay?" Olivia asked her, concern stirring in her stomach. Something was not right, at all. She had seen hundreds of victims, but Amanda was her colleague, and she'd like to think her friend. There had been a lot of turbulence in their personal and work relationship but she felt they had begun to make some progress in the past year. Olivia was really starting to trust the younger detective.

Amanda felt the emotion run through her. Her whole body ached and she couldn't control it anymore – she cried like a baby. She couldn't stop herself. Olivia moved next to her and pulled her into a hug.

"It's going to be okay, Amanda. I'm not going to leave you, to deal with this by yourself. You don't deserve that." Olivia held Amanda close to her chest, rocking back and forth, trying to soothe her.

"I deserve all of this," Amanda choked out, in between sobs.

Olivia pulled away, looking Amanda straight in the face. "Amanda, you didn't deserve what happened to you. It's not your fault. I know that's impossible to see right now, but it really, honestly, isn't! You deserve safety, love, and so much more. I'm going to help you, I promise you that."

Amanda brought her eyes up to meet Olivia's. If only she knew what Amanda had been thinking just moments before. _My life is over. I've decided it's over._ She wanted to tell Olivia, but she couldn't get the words out of her mouth.

"I'm going to stay with you tonight," Olivia stated blatantly. There was no fighting her on this.

"Liv, you don't have to do that. I'll be fine and –"

"No." Olivia said cutting Amanda off, "I will not leave you alone to deal with this again."

 _Again_. Amanda flashed back to the trial with Patton. Disgust filled her; she felt the bile rise in her throat. Her mind violently flashed back and forth with images of Patton and Sam's assaults on her. She needed to drink, cut and smoke. _Olivia couldn't stay here._ She needed to release this agony from her body.

"Please, Liv. I need to be alone." Amanda said, biting down on her lip again, trying to get some form of release.

"Listen, Amanda. I'm going to go grab some stuff from my place and I'll meet you back here in half an hour. Please. Let me help you this time."

Olivia stood up, breaking away from Amanda, and headed towards the door. She gave Amanda no time to protest.

Amanda watched as Olivia shut the door behind her, leaving Amanda alone on the couch. The tears had subsided moments before Olivia left.

She had thirty minutes to figure out what she was going to do and to do it.

Amanda practically flung herself off the couch towards the bathroom. She opened the cupboard and found the blade. _Fast, Amanda, fast._

Amanda rolled up her sweatshirt sleeve revealing still fresh-looking, angry, red cuts. She didn't hesitate; she pressed down again and again until she felt the pain slip away from her. She felt like she was floating above, watching herself from afar.

She wanted to die, but she didn't want Olivia to be the one to find her. She was just trying to help her. She couldn't do that to her. So this would do for now.

She ran her arm under the tap, watching the red tinted water go down the drain. After a few minutes, she pressed a face cloth against her forearm and held down to try and contain the bleeding.

There was a knock on the door of her apartment. _Fuck. Olivia's back already._ Amanda must have zoned out and lost track of time, because it really felt like it had only been ten minutes. She lifted the cloth and her cuts had appeared to have stopped bleeding. She hid the bloodstained cloth, pulled her sleeves down and headed towards the door.

Amanda opened the door to let Olivia into her apartment. "Sorry, I was in the bathroom when you knocked." _Not a lie._

Olivia walked in, not missing the panic written across Amanda's face.

"That's okay," Olivia smiled and placed her bag on the floor.

In a way, Amanda was glad she was there. She had potentially saved her life, for the night being at least. A part of her really wanted to let Olivia in, to tell her the dark secrets and thoughts she had been hiding. She would lose her job, and possibly lose Olivia if she did that though. Olivia was really her only friend. But – really, what did she have to lose?


End file.
